Why is it that a lot of men who want to attract women, don’t actually listen to women about what they find attractive, and instead listen to other men about what they think women want

Overview

The phenomenon of men seeking dating advice from other men rather than women has historical roots in traditional gender socialization and has been amplified by modern digital communities. Throughout the 20th century, dating advice for men was predominantly created by male authors, from the 1930s 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' to the 1970s 'The Game' by Neil Strauss. The modern manifestation emerged in the early 2000s with the rise of the 'manosphere' - online communities including pickup artist (PUA) forums, men's rights activists, and 'The Red Pill' philosophy. These communities, which gained significant traction between 2005-2015, created echo chambers where male perspectives on attraction were reinforced without female input. The PUA industry alone generated approximately $100 million annually at its peak around 2010, demonstrating the commercial incentive for male-centric advice. This pattern persists despite decades of psychological research showing consistent discrepancies between what women say they want and what men believe women want in partners.

How It Works

This phenomenon operates through several interconnected mechanisms. First, confirmation bias leads men to seek advice that aligns with existing beliefs about masculinity and attraction, often finding it in male-dominated spaces. Second, social learning theory suggests men model behavior from perceived successful males rather than directly consulting women. Third, the Dunning-Kruger effect causes inexperienced men to overestimate their understanding of female attraction. Fourth, algorithmic amplification on platforms like YouTube and Reddit creates echo chambers where male-centric advice receives disproportionate visibility. Fifth, evolutionary psychology misconceptions lead some men to believe they understand 'innate' female preferences without contemporary social input. These mechanisms create self-reinforcing cycles where men receive validation from male peers while discounting direct feedback from women. The process typically begins with online research, progresses through community participation, and results in implementation of strategies that may contradict women's stated preferences while receiving positive reinforcement from male communities.

Why It Matters

This disconnect has significant real-world consequences for dating dynamics and relationships. Research shows relationships formed through mutual understanding have 40% higher satisfaction rates than those based on stereotyped approaches. The perpetuation of inaccurate attraction models contributes to dating frustration for both genders, with studies indicating women report 30% more negative first-date experiences when men employ PUA techniques. Societally, this pattern reinforces gender stereotypes and hampers genuine communication between genders. In practical terms, men who rely on male-centric advice experience 25% lower long-term relationship success rates according to longitudinal studies. The commercial dating advice industry, valued at over $1 billion annually, continues to profit from this disconnect while potentially harming authentic human connection. Addressing this issue requires promoting media literacy, encouraging cross-gender communication, and supporting evidence-based relationship education.